What if Hornet Red Devil was not canceled?

Well, the meet was rained out. It’s a great shame, because the Hornet Red-Devil Invitational is annually one the brightest lights of the Illinois high school Cross Country galaxy. But just because our athletes didn’t race does not mean that we can’t celebrate what might have been. Here are the highlights of the races that didn’t happen:

Varsity Race: Seniors Chris Keeley and Michael Madiol almost didn’t get to run the race, despite pressure from the Prince of Wales and the British Olympic committee, because of something to do with religion. “I believe that God made me for a purpose,” said Madiol. “But he also made me fast, so IDK.” But then senior Matt Jett showed up… he had been running across the country for two years after his girlfriend Jenny left him. And Matt brought with him seniors Kevin Daneliak, Michael O’Connor, Jack Orengo and Nick Drechsler, who had learned how to race picking while strawberries in McFarland, USA. They all convinced Keeley and Madiol to race, so they did. And then they were discovered by this crazy coach named Bill Bowerman, who made them shoes on a waffle iron and let them run for Oregon, and hopefully that story ends well without any deaths.

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Sophomore Race: Sophomore Vasant Fong just wanted his chance to race in the big time, but he was just a lowly nobody growing up in Philadelphia in the 1970s. But then he got his shot to race the champ, sophomore Nick Dovalovsky. Nobody gave Vasant a chance, but it turns out he had The Eye of the Tiger, and their race was so great that they got a sequel. And then another one. This time, Leif Anderson showed up, and he was crazy and mean, and at first he beat Vasant, but then Dovalovsky gave him some training advice, and Vasant won!  But then a giant Russian runner named Ryan Horn showed up, and he defeated Nick, and so Vasant went to Russia and ended the Cold War. Then some other stuff happened… Luke Mennecke, Luke Suman, Brian Jett, and Stephen Smilie were somehow involved. And then it turned out that Nick Dovalovsky had a son named Daniel Gutierrez, and HE wants to race, but that may have to wait until next week in St. Louis.

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Freshman Race: Swackhammer, an evil alien theme park owner, needed a new attraction at Moron Mountain. When his gang, the Nerdlucks, came to Hinsdale to kidnap Charlie Rook, Sachin Fong, Noah Schalliol, and the rest of the Neuqua freshmen. Liam Dorsey and Nathaniel Howard challenged them to a race to determine their fate. The aliens agreed, but they stole the powers of the Kenyan Olympic Marathon team, so our freshmen lost and now reside in an alien zoo. Awkward.

Anyway, it was a memorable weekend in Hinsdale. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that our team will never forget the races we didn’t run!

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